My Heart Is Done
Morgan was sitting on the pink porcelain toilet, in her pink dated, run
down bathroom, pretending to be ill, it must have been around 3am.
Her husband Jeffery was in a frustrated mood again. Jeffery was not
someone she wanted mad at her. He was muscular. Jeffery had
studied Martial Arts for years to try and control his rage, he failed
miserably. He took his frustrations out on her more often than she
enjoyed. It felt as if he was going to start slapping her around again
at any moment. She hoped with every cell of her being that by
feigning illness Jeffery’s outrage would somehow magically turn into
compassion.
This was the fourth time in two weeks that she would be enduring
Jeffery’s physical and emotional wrath. She was getting tired of
being his emotional and physical whipping post. After seven years of
marriage she could tell by how Jeffery was silently sulking, pacing
back and forth and muttering to himself, that he was working himself
up emotionally, in his mind and that he may be exploding again, any
second. Morgan hoped she was wrong as she sat quietly on the
toilet.
A few moments later her thoughts were interrupted as Jeffery came
through the bathroom door with a look on his face that struck
Morgan’s heart with a sense of dread. He said, “Do you realize that
by wearing pants to our housekeeping job today you were letting
the man of the house know that you wanted to have sex with him?”
Remember how I told you “men get turned on when you wear pants?”
The next thing she knew Jeffery had grabbed a towel off the shower
rod. What is he doing with that towel she wondered? Well, she
found out moments later when he started whipping her over and over
again. She could feel her back burning as the towel struck her
repeatedly. She was hiding her face between her knees. She was
devastated. Her ruse of being sick had not worked. Jeffery must
have whipped her about 30 times before he stopped. Morgan loved
him so much, after all he had answered her prayers by giving her
body orgasms at the age of 29, she would do anything for him. Why
would he not trust her intentions at all? She was beyond frustrated.
Jeffery stood over her, spouting accusations that she had wanted to
have sex with the wrinkly 84-year-old man they had cleaned for
earlier that day because she wore pants!
She remembered talking to Jeffery about her choice of clothing that
morning. Morgan had said to Jeffery “I just want to let you know all
my skirts are dirty. So I want to ask you if you are ok if I wear these
jeans to work today?” Jeffery replied “You know I do not approve of
you wearing pants to our cleaning jobs.” “Yes, I do” said Morgan.
Then Morgan said, “Well would you be ok with it just this one time,
as I did not get the laundry done?” Jeffery responded with a reserved
“Yes.” Morgan felt It was always a bit scary to wear pants because of
the misguided thoughts Jeffery had about pants and how they caused
erotic arousal in men.
Jeffery’s frustrated tone brought her mind back to the present. She
was doing her best to convince herself that some how she would be
ok. She repeated comforting affirmations silently in her mind; “I Love
My Life.” “I Am Worthy Of Being Loved Unconditionally.” “I Am
Lovable.” “Every Cell Of My Body Is Filled With Unconditional Love.”
The self-help books she read told her that affirmations would help her
create joyous emotions in her heart so she would draw to her life
joyous situations and people. She really wanted happy and
compassionate people in her life.
What Morgan really needed was a partner who was capable of
expressing himself in a calm and composed manner. She was
reading self-help books to figure out what it was that was wrong with
HER that she kept drawing to herself insecure and insane men?
Maybe it was her fear of being alone and making decisions that kept
her around controlling men?
She got up off the toilet and Jeffery followed her out of the washroom
continuing on with his rant about the trouble she had caused by
wearing pants that day. As Morgan walked down the hall to go back
to bed (after all it was about 3:30am by that time) Jeffery tackled her.
He was on top of her in an instant. She was, for the first time in
seven years, livid about their situation. As Jeffery sat on her torso,
holding down her arms, sternly repeating his accusations “YOU
WANTED TO SCREW THAT OLD MAN” in a ferocious voice.
As Morgan was doing her best to cope with his aggression she
thought “I bet I could rip out his windpipe.” Jeffery’s windpipe was
quite large and protruded out the front of his neck. Morgan knew she
was strong from her many years of housekeeping. She was shocked
by her thoughts! She had promised herself that she would never hit
back as hitting back was just as wrong as hitting first, it was still
hitting after all.
Then all of a sudden Morgan was visualizing her hand reaching up to
Jeffery’s windpipe, grabbing a hold of his adams apple, ripping a big
red bloody hole in the front of his neck where his adams apple use to
be and finally feeling safe because Jeffrey was dead! Right after that
thought, Morgan knew something had changed in her, she was
scared of herself and what she might do if Jeffery ever abused her
again which by now she knew was inevatible!
Jeffrey’s rage brought Morgan back to her painful reality. She
promised him again and again that she would never wear pants to a
job, only skirts or dresses. She would have agreed to almost
anything Jeffery said right then, in hopes that he would calm down
and she could get some sleep that night as she was exhausted. Her
pleading with Jeffery was working, his voice was getting calmer, less
aggressive.
Within another ten minutes or so Jeffery got off of her and left the
hallway in an emotional huff. Morgan was sobbing as she headed to
bed exhausted from Jeffery’s melodramatic towel and tongue-lashing
her back still felt hot! She never knew a towel could be a weapon!
As she tried to sleep her aggressive reaction played over and over
again in her mind. Morgan was disappointed in herself. She had
promised herself to always be kind and loving to Jeffery. It was an
affirmation she believed deep in her core. She must remain peaceful,
loving him and herself wholeheartedly if she was ever going to have a
loving and cooperative relationship in her life.
Morgan realized right then that she had to leave Jeffery because SHE
had changed. Her heart was beyond broken after this last event.
She had to figure out how to leave. She had to find a way to care for
herself, “to make her needs” important to her. “She must make better
choices” was the affirmation that went through her mind as she finally
drifted off to sleep.
When she woke up the next morning she was still determined to
make a positive change in her life but she had no idea how. Morgan
was now concerned for how she was wanting to respond with
violence towards Jeffery.
What if Jeffery’s abuse got so bad one night that she lost her mind
and somehow killed him? That went against everything she believed
to be sacred. She must act soon to change her life.
A few hours later Jeffery said he was going to town to pay the phone
bill. He expected Morgan to join him. They went everywhere
together. At first she had loved that about their relationship as she
was afraid to be alone, but now it just seemed like some weird control
tactic. So they got into her classic 1966 gold Plymouth Fury to go to
town and pay their cell phone bill.
They drove to town in silence as the emotions from the night before
were thick in the air. Morgan’s thoughts were whirling. How was she
going to save herself from the insanity that was her marriage? The
next thing she knew they were pulling up in the parking lot of the cell
phone company. Jeffery got out of the car to go pay the phone bill
while she waited in the car hoping for a miracle.
As she sat in the car she noticed that once again Jeffery had
left the keys in the ignition. She wondered for an instant, “Why does
he always leave the keys in the ignition?” Her next thought was “here
is my chance!” Morgan slid across the long golden bench seat,
started her car and drove away. Her heart was racing, where would
she go now.
She remembered noticing a sign in town that said Domestic Services
for Families so she thought that would be a good place to start. Now
that she had left Jeffery, she would need a place to sleep tonight.
Morgan had no money so she hoped she would find a battered
women’s shelter in this small town to take her in, hopefully this would
be the last shelter she would need. She parked and left her car at a
Fish and Chip fast food restaurant. Morgan had decided that she
wanted Jeffery to have her car back so he could go and do their
window-washing job the next day. As they even worked together in
their own housekeeping business. She was secretly fantasizing
Jeffery would leave town after the job, as she had had enough of his
abuse.
It was a sunny day, a great day for a walk. She strolled her five foot
nine frame the kilometer or two from the Fish and Chip place to
where she spotted the sign she remembered, Domestic Services for
Families. Morgan walked up the sidewalk. She opened the large oak
door and walked into an old Victorian building. She rang the bell on
the front counter and a pleasant looking lady appeared right away. “I
am wondering if you can tell me where the nearest battered women’s
shelter is?” asked Morgan. The lady spoke warmly “you are standing
in a battered women’s shelter, Can I help you?” Morgan replied,
“Yes, I need a safe place to be away from my husband”.
“You have come to the right place” was the receptionist’s response.
“My name is Mary.” Please come back here to the office so we can
get you registered and find you a bed.” Morgan was amazed at how
easy that was. Her prayers were answered. She was caring for
herself, exhausted and relieved that she would be safe for tonight.
Morgan asked to use the phone to call her husband and tell him
where her car was. Mary said, “Here is the phone.”
Morgan dialed their phone number. Jeffery answered “Where
are you? Where is the car?” he barked. She told him where the car
was and that she was at a shelter figuring out what to do. Morgan
kept it short saying “I cannot come home right now, because I am too
scared of myself.” “You are scared of yourself?” was Jeffery’s
puzzled reply. Yes, Morgan said. I am scared I am going to snap
one night when you wake up in a rage slapping me around and kill
you!
Jeffery got eerily quite and said “What about the job we have together
tomorrow?” She replied “You will need to do the job by yourself or
call our clients and tell them we won’t be there. I have to keep you
and me safe.” She felt in her heart she was finally ready to start her
life over. She could feel the self-love growing in her heart and she
felt safer than she had in years. Morgan had made a decision that
was healthy for her and her alone! Woo Hoo! Her heart expanded
with self-love and self-trust! Morgan felt safe! She looked forward to
her journey of starting over with a hopeful heart.